Marley & Me: The Horror

By the time I reached the end of this movie, I wouldn’t have been surprised if I heard Marlon Brando echo, “the horror… the horror” during the last scenes of this PG rated family film. Instead, it was me.

A few weekends ago, my girlfriend and I decided to stay home and make it a movie night. I’ve always preferred this because it’s comparatively cheap as opposed to going out and it suits my introverted-reclusive-social-anxiety disorder perfectly. So we ordered our Chinese food, went to the liquor store, and visited the local video store. The deal is we each get to pick one movie that we both have to watch. While it’s not exactly democratic, it is a good way to forgo the timely and arduous process that’s called compromise. My pick was a nugget of early ‘90s HBO youth; The Hunt For Red October. Hers was the recent comedy-drama, cutesy dog flick; Marley & Me. In which I replied, “Hell no! I’m not watching some puppy movie where the dog dies at the end!”

“But, it’s supposed to be really funny! And besides, you don’t get a say because I have to watch your, Hunt For The Red Boats or whatever.”

The point was taken, although not lightly because I immediately had visions of watching Old Yeller and Where The Red Fern Grows, and to put it mildly, not reacting very well at all upon the conclusions of these past horrors. I tried to suggest other movies; I tried to bargain with her; I tried to forfeit my pick in exchange for two movies of her choice just as long as they didn’t involve dogs dying in them. No dice; there would be none of it. Her mind was made up and I had to go along. It was a decision that warranted extra provisions from the liquor store.
And so we watched it. And I hated it. And I cried harder at the end (you know, when the dog dies) more than any other movie. And I have to ask: Why would anyone want to watch this movie? Yes, it has great moments of fun, families, and comedy, but to see an old dog get euthanized at the end!? I know it provides a fairly accurate snapshot of the ups and downs of life and blah blah blah, but come on! The dog will die, and we the viewers seem to know this inevitability will happen by the time the credits roll – which makes it hard for someone like me (who mostly prefers animals [especially dogs] to humans in real life) to enjoy any other portion of the movie. In my world, Marley & Me should be rated X for disturbing content.

Exhausted from the sob-fest, my girlfriend decided to call it a night and head off to bed, breaking the two movie rule, but I understood. I on the other hand, decided to dilute the pain by opening a fresh bottle of wine and well, let’s just say the bottle didn’t leave my side until it was bone dry. The family friendly dog movie that millions embraced left me a slobbering, drunken fool sitting on my couch watching the next movie through puffy eyes, just waiting to pass out.